I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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