my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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