I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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