He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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