there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
