Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
