We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
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i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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