Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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