Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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