I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
