I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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