Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
