shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
