Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
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I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
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After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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