Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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