The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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