apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
