I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
