Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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