and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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