A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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