This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
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I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
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Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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