I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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