My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
