i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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