That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
