i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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