About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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