I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
