You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
