Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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