in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
