I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
