only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
