I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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