that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
