no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just blew my weed a kiss
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
