This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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