I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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