I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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