Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
