After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
