just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
