I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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