I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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