i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
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