My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.