I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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