He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
