She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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