I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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