google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
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