we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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