Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
