I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
