just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
