Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
