my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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